The law of the Lord restoreth the soul

I continue to wrestle with multiple situations in which I feel attacked in my very essence.  I'm not sure how long it will be possible to survive under my current circumstances of extraordinary emotional and other isolation.  

One of the things that causes me the most pain is a situation in which I feel deeply that I acted properly but that I was treated very shabbily in return.   As yet I have been unable to find a single other human being who is willing to share my outlook in the slightest.  I feel that everyone readily sympathizes with those who have hurt me so profoundly, and that everyone is simultaneously ready to disapprove of me.   I feel invalidated in my very being. 

I feel almost that I am fighting for my very psychic survival.  I do not see how I can be wrong on this and still have any right to exist.  If I am wrong on it, I certainly have no interest in existing.  

I'm reminded of a Hasidic tale that I read many years ago.  I just managed to find it once more, and post it here as an emblem of my distress.  

A woman once came to Rabbi Hirsh, her eyes streaming with tears, and complained that she had been the victim of a miscarriage of justice in the rabbinical court.  The zaddik summoned the judges and said: "Show me the source from which you derived your verdict, for it seems to me that there has been some error."  Together they looked up the passage in the Breastplate of Judgment on which the verdict had been based, and discovered that there had indeed been a misinterpretation. 

One of the judges asked the rabbi how he had known beforehand that there had been an error.  He answered:  "It is written: 'The law of the Lord is perfect, restoring the soul.'  Had the verdict been in accordance with the true law, the woman could never have wept as she did."   

Comments

[loren]

Here's a virtual hug (o).

Hope things improve for you.

I'm afraid ideals and the real world all too often conflict, otherwise I would probably still be teaching high school.

[Eri]

I cannot imagine what must be causing you such grief.

A year ago, I swerved to avoid a cyclist and ended up cutting him off. I did not know I had cut him off. I had not hit him or knocked him off or anything. But he then cycled alongside of my car and cursed me out and screamed at me. I did not know what to do or say.

I would not have hurt him for all the world (except maybe in self defense, but this was not a self-defense situation) and his excoriation of me called into question everything about me. Was I a good person? A helpful person? A kind person who looked out for bicyclists? This man's opinion was NO. It became my opinion too, for how long I do not know.
I felt as if I was the worst person on earth for something I had done in error.

May you see your way clear and may your love of life return. May your soul be restored to you.

[Bente M]

Standing alone in a situation can surely be sad and painful. Some of your words made me remember a play by Henrik Ibsen in which a physician get all of the town people's rage against him even though he had tried to save their drinking water that were at risk of contamination. In the play there is a line which in my country, Norway, has become a very famous quote. It says something like this: "He is strongest who stand alone"...and what most people here believe is that Ibsen meant that the person who dare to stand alone, knowing they acted right, are the only persons who are strong enough to dare be right.

I hope something wonderful will happen in your life soon.

[Keara]

Bente, thank you for your very kind comments. They have meant a lot to me during recent dark days. A few years ago I read all of Ibsen's main plays as a sort of project -- seems like I should read them again! "He is strongest who stands alone" has some real resonance for me, as I have felt recently that I was more alone than ever in my (longish) life. I like your words "something wonderful." I could use something wonderful. :-) I wish you something wonderful as well. :-)

[Keara]

Loren, it is always good to see you and I appreciate your reply to me. No, the world does not seem to have much time or space for ideals. You do keep on, however, fighting the good fight and I admire that. (((Hugs))) to you too. :-)