How we change (in my own words)

Earlier this year, I took part in a discussion at an Internet forum about whether or not a woman calling herself Chelsea could or should promise herself never to be involved with her alcoholic boyfriend again. Here is what I wrote:

However, I think it's too much to ask for Chelsea to decide, in advance, that she will "never" be involved with this man again. I'm reminded of something my shrink once said to me -- "Whenever a client says that she's done with a man forever, I know she'll be calling him before the day is out." And that's been pretty much true in my own experience too.

Real change is undertaken, most often, by a hopeful turning in a different direction but not with grand or irrevocable resolutions or words. Due respect for the power of emotional connection and the bond of a shared history should probably dictate a cautious, hopeful determination to move in the new direction, but not a great deal more than that.

Looking back, I like those words "a hopeful turning in a different direction." And the cautionary note sounded in the phrase "due respect" for the power of connection and history. As I contemplate various wished-for changes in my own life, I find myself thinking I will be wise to heed my own advice. This approach reminds of the expression "shaping behavior," which seems to suggest that we shape behavior much as we do clay on the potter's wheel - little by little, gradually, as we are able and as the material permits. We do not try to impose our will on the material. Rather we try to understand it and to discover the best means of arriving at our goal through it.