Yesterday's email, which has given rise to so much pain that I have contemplated shutting down this blog, was full of falsehood. The fact that someone I trusted would insist on so many pernicious falsehoods, deliberately and with malice aforethought, has caused me so very much pain yesterday, last night and still this morning.
It seems possible, perhaps even likely, that I can cause that pain to diminish, and even cease, only by examining the statements that were made and making a full and complete effort to discover their degree of truth. My inclination is, in part, to do the opposite -- to run away from the pain they have caused, and therefore from them as well.
I'm thinking, however, as I work my way through these multiple hours of twisting and turning and attempting to find surcease, that "the only way out is through." The only way to make pain stop is by going to its source, examining it honestly, discovering the honorable way to deal with it, and then following through.
I hope you do not stop your blog. Your postings have enriched my life in so many ways. Please do not let the negativity of one person stop you from the *positive* actions of your own!
Your post reminds me of myself. I host a radio music show every week on a tiny low-power station. I spend at least 2-3 hours preparing for a 2 hour show, and I've been doing that for over 6 years now. Our station has very few listeners. We stream live, but I usually garner only about 6-7 people online each week.
That's very discouraging to me, because I know that the show is good (I've been doing radio since 1990), and I put my heart and soul into each program. But I rarely hear back from listeners, and I know I don't have many of them. (People use their media now very differently - everyone is choosing how they listen/watch/experience on demand, rather than per the schedule of a particular media.) This makes for tough live radio, especially music shows!
I have to remind myself often that even though I cannot see my listeners, or hear from them, they are out there. I *am* making an impact, even if I can't see that impact. Each week, I spread a little musical joy into the world. It's just a *little* bit - two hours only, but it's good, and joyful, and fun, and thoughtful. It's not negative, it's *positive.*
And then, every once in awhile, a listener responds, calls or emails me, and I know that the connection is there.
In the weeks of no contact, it's hard to remember this. I have to actually *remind* myself often not to get too frustrated by what I'm thinking is a lack of connection. Or that I'm wasting my time by working so hard on a radio show. Or questioning my own worth!
In my Buddhist training, I learned that we have to let go of our attachments, even if that means letting go of how we want people to react to us, or to what we do. We have to let go of our *expectations* from other people. Just do good stuff. This is particularly hard for me to practice.
You post a wonderful blog. You have taken me to sites, books, quotes, people, photographs, films, etc that I would have never seen or experienced without your blog. I don't check it every day, but I do check it every few days, when I need "something beautiful" to help me cope with a stressful job and a lonely self. I recognize in you the same "seeker" of truth and beauty and, most importantly, *meaning*, that I also seek in my life.
What you say about needing to get to the core of truth is very apt. I applaud you for this decision to keep seeking out the truth.
In the meantime, do not let one person's harsh words stop you from your pursuit of that truth. This blog is, in itself, something beautiful. And you are its creator. Creating something beautiful in this world, so full of ugliness and anger, is good and meaningful.
I'm sincerely grateful to you for your work, your honesty, and your pursuit of that truth.
Posted by: heidi | March 31, 2011 at 11:33 AM
I totally agree with the above writer. Please do not let one person stop you from creating this wonderful well of inspiring and beautiful thoughts and reflections. This blog has given me something precious and important. A friendship. A chance to learn about art and beautiful things. A place to exchange ideas and impressions. I have no idea how many hours I have spent here on "Something Beautiful", and every time I have felt enriched and wiser.
People who set out to wound you, humiliate you or just try to ruin you,- please try to give them as little credit as possible. I know it is easy to say that you really shouldn't let them get to you. Yes, it is always easy to stand on the outside saying that you shouldn't care. Of course it hurts when people you trust betray your trust. But I believe that you have the power to decide how much you will let it hurt you.
The truth will show that your work here is important and that we, your readers love your work here!
:-) be strong!
Posted by: Bente M | April 01, 2011 at 05:36 PM
Heidi, thank you for your kind words and for sharing your own philosophy and experiences. You have really helped me in terms of how I think about StB. I agree that we must often detach from results. Nevertheless, I find it impossible not to hope that your radio program will prosper. :-)
Posted by: Keara | April 11, 2011 at 10:22 AM
Bente, I hope you have some idea how much I value your friendship and all your thoughts and support. :-)))
Posted by: Keara | April 11, 2011 at 10:24 AM